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Letter Revision

Letter
Revision

1. Revise
the following letter so that it has an objective tone. Your goal is to let
Payroll know that your check did not reach you, but in a professional manner.

Dear
Pinheads in Payroll,

Has every
one of you suffered a stroke? Did lightning strike all your computers at once?
Did everyone succumb to the dreaded bite of the tse-tse fly? I ask because
something horrible must have happened to delay my paycheck. I know that you all
work so hard to get it out every week that only something catastrophic would
keep you from living up to that task. And you do work so hard, don’t you?
Crunching all those tough little numbers. Maybe you’ve all suffered horrible
finger strain. Ooh, I just can’t wait for your response: “There was a technical
error. It’s not our faults.” Blah blah blah. I can do my job every day—why
can’t you send a check once a month? Maybe you’re not aware of it, because
you’re all soulless automatons, but some of us have mouths to feed and bills to
pay. Here in Sales, it’s not all trashcan basketball and paper football—I don’t
work for fun, you know. And I expect my pay on time. Get it to me ASAP, or I’ll
make sure you’re all fired.

With the
most sincere thanks you can possibly imagine with your tiny little minds,

Bill

Dear
concern,
I am an
employee of the chemical department of this organization, would like to draw
your attention towards our department’s paycheck which did not yet release to
us. I just like to mention here that it is our company’s policy to compensate
the employees on time. However, it has not done this time by which we employees
are suffering from many personal financial problems. Please check this issue
and resolve it ASAP, so that we employees will get relief.
Hope you
will take a suitable action soon.
Thanks
Bill

2. Revise
the following paragraph so that it is no more than 20 words, using the
principles of concision mentioned in your textbook. You may rewrite the message
to clarify and simplify the content.

Due to
unforeseen circumstances, of which we were informed only upon receiving the
most recent weather report, the company has been forced by exigent
circumstances to postpone the perennial picnic planned since last year. Barring
any further problems of a meteorological nature, the festivities and feasting
will begin again on the previous Thursday from next week. With any luck, we
will enjoy the pleasure of your company then, as always. Though the
aforementioned event may not be happening at the previously scheduled time, all
attendees are encouraged to bring their assigned dish on the date of the future
engagement previously discussed.

Considering
unexpected whether condition, company has postponed planned picnic which will
be rearranged with the same date, food next year.

3. Revise
the following letter, removing sexist language and creating a more professional
communication.

Dear Miss
Fortin,

As you
know, it is the duty of every nurse to clock in at the beginning of her shift.
That is so that when a doctor comes into an emergency situation, he can be sure
to know which ladies are available. Any nurse incapable of following this
simple rule will find herself on report to her supervisor: He will then have
cause for dismissal. If a nurse has questions, she may refer to her contract
for details. Remember, it is vital that a doctor does not have to trouble
himself with small issues like this one.

Sincerely,

Mr.
Pratt

Dear Miss
Fortin,
It has to
be notified that it is the responsibility of every nurse to keep the timings of
her duty. It is because if any emergency situation would happen then duty nurse
could assist the doctor in the right way. In case of violation of this rule or
any other questions, every nurse has to report to her supervisor. It should
have to be remembered that doctors would not suffer with these issues.
Sincerely,

Mr.
Pratt

4. Revise
the following paragraph, changing passive voice to active voice.

A long
summer vacation should be taken by every family. Relaxation is needed to stay
healthy. Also, families are brought closer together by vacations. An
opportunity to experience American culture is provided by them. History is
taught and entertainment offered by trips to spots like Colonial Williamsburg.
Another boring summer should not be spent in front of the computer. The open
road should be hit so that your lives can be reinvigorated.

Every family should take a long summer vacation. To stay
healthy needs Relaxation. Also, vacations bring families closer together. They
provide an opportunity to experience American culture. Trips teach history
and offers entertainment to spots like Colonial Williamsburg. Should not spend another boring summer in
front of the computer. Should hit the open road, so that can reinvigorate your
lives.

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